A sand formation that makes you think of a bea...

Right so – ouch. That’s hot. Really hot. Scorching. Like the sun. God. Maybe I should’ve listened to what’s his name. What did he say? Something about there being a reason we live in the ocean. We come up, blow our hole, go right back down again. Because it’s cool, refreshing. We’re not meant to be anywhere else. Well, I can’t help it if I’m curious. Stupid too, maybe, but it’s done now. I can’t go back.

Ouch. That really is hot. Sharp too. Like orca’s teeth. But if I don’t move I’ll probably be all right. I’ll get used to it. Like the seas up north in summer. As long as you keep moving it’s never cold. And maybe here I’m not supposed to. It’s the opposite to the ocean so maybe I should do everything opposite. Stay still and everything will be fine.

But, God, it’s bright. What’s that up there? It looks like seaweed but it’s too yellow, too dry. But then that makes sense, doesn’t it, everything here being opposite. Maybe something small will come and eat me just like I eat the plankton. There were those crabs I saw on the way here. Maybe I’m their fodder. I should just accept it. I’m not the boss anymore. I can’t even move, only swing my fluke and slap my flippers, but – no. That’s hard work. I can barely move my peduncle. It’s hot and this brown ocean I’m on – like orca’s teeth.

Maybe this wasn’t such a bright idea. But I can’t go back now. Not after all my bragging. I’ll look like I’m admitting they were right and I was wrong. And they’re not, not really. Why did I say I wanted to do this again? To try something new. To satisfy my curiosity. And they said – what’s the point? You’ve got everything you need in the ocean. All you’ll see there is those weird penis-like  animals who try to kill us. And they were right, weren’t they, even if I haven’t seen any yet. Why didn’t I listen to them? If I go back it will be cool. I can quench my thirst. And, anyway, I might never see them again. I could hide, avoid them, join a different pod. How long can I stay like this for?

Right then. Let’s see if I can get somewhere. At least I can say I’ve done it. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it and all that. I can say how good it was too. Life-affirming. Educational. A positive learning experience, though – no. Don’t be stupid. All I’ve learned is what they already know. It’s not for us. But at least I’ll have some experience to back it up. What do they know about the yellow grass and sharp brown sea? I can be a teacher, pass my knowledge on.

So. Let’s get going back to the ocean. I’ve experienced enough now. God, though. That’s hot. So cutting. I can hardly move at all. It’s all so – what? Not like water. Why is nothing moving out the way? Why am I sticking? Why can’t I go down beneath this brown sea? My throat is so dry. And this brown stuff. Who could live on this? God, I feel bloated. Why is it so hot?

Now what? Of course. Now they come. Probably to kill me too. Do they know how much they look like four penises attached to a body, four penises with five little penises attached to those penises? What’s that they’ve got? Another killing tool like those long thin teeth they throw at us in the south. What are they? Rocks? Octopus heads? Hold on. Don’t get so close.

But – no. What’s that? God, that felt great. Do that again. Please. More. That feels so good. Refreshing, clean, wet, cool. It must be water, ocean. Yes. And they’re putting it over me. Oh, that’s brilliant. Give me more, more. And then I can swim off this hot, brown ocean and get back to my pod, any pod. Make it wetter, wetter, colder, colder. Brilliant.

What are they carrying now? Looks like skinny hammerheads. Oh, I see. Excellent idea. I might not be here forever now, and if I get back I can tell everyone how those weird penis creatures helped me. How when you go to the brown ocean they don’t just throw those long evil teeth at you.

Hold on, though. Keep that away. Rays kill, you idiots. Don’t put that on me. It’s massive too. It’ll sting me to death. What – no. I thought you were helping me, though – wait. You are. That’s even cooler than the water. What is it? Some kind of saving ray? My thirst is going. And the heat. Maybe I can move. Maybe I can find the strength.

But – no. My belly. That’s still hot, still sharp. How can these penises walk on it? Can’t they put one of those saving rays under me? What’s that noise they’re making? Are they communicating? Yes. They’re interacting. And there are so many of them too. Maybe they can move me. They seem okay on this brown stuff. I should say something, get them to move me back where I belong.

What? Can’t you hear me? Can’t you see what I’m saying? Maybe they didn’t hear. I’ll do another. God, the heat. I feel ready to explode. More water, more water. They don’t understand. Krill don’t. Tuna don’t. Only dolphins and orca do. Why would they? They’re nice, but what do you expect from penises? They don’t understand. They don’t even think.

I’m going to have to do this myself, use those trenches either side of me. They’re full of water too. Nice and cool. But – no. I can’t move. At all. Why on earth does this stuff exist? Why did I come here? I’m an idiot. I’ll never see the ocean again, never feel it. And they’ll all know what happened to me. I’ll be a cautionary tale. Famous, but a laughing stock. Remember what happened to him. We never saw him again. But what’s the point in being famous when you can’t bask in it? I don’t want to be a hermit like those precious blue whales. I want some  glory at least.

But – no. I might as well give up. The ocean’s gone. The penises are doing nothing more than we can to save our calves from orcas. There’s no point in going on. I can’t move. It’s useless. One less stupid whale. They’re better off without me.


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