I remember that guy. He had a bow tie for every day of the week and used to wear braces as if he were a Master of the Universe from the 1980s even though he clearly wasn’t. He was short and thin and had veiny arms, right? And his face was so wrinkled it looked like a screwed up piece of paper someone had tried and failed to throw in the bin.
I tried to write a story about him, back when I thought I could be a writer. I had it all planned out. He worked in a pub, of course, collected glasses and pulled pints, suffered the piss-taking he got from the local grammar school boys, or us, then went home to look after his bedridden wife, an old harridan who wasn’t really sick but pretended to be sick to stop him from doing what he wanted to do, whatever that was.
He loved her and resented her in equal measure and couldn’t leave her because he couldn’t be that guy, you know, the arsehole who leaves a dying wife for someone younger even though she wasn’t dying and he would never get with anyone younger because of his bow ties and screwed up paper face.
I imagined someone pretending to love him, some customer, younger of course, who did it for a dare. Her friends bet her she couldn’t do it, but she did and enjoyed flirting with him, the power it gave her, even if his responses kind of revolted her as much as her reactions revolted herself.
It all came to a head when she invited him out for a drink. Only when he turned up at the bar or cafe or whatever, she was there with friends. He said, hello. She said, who are you? He said, you invited me here, and she said, don’t make me laugh.
All of them laughed at him, at his veiny arms, at his bow tie, at his screwed up paper face, and he went home humiliated to his not-really-sick wife who told him to massage her feet and have a go at her corns while he was at it.
I didn’t write it, though. I couldn’t. I didn’t think it was true to life. It was too humiliating. And, anyway, my wife had a baby on the way and I had that to think about.
- Bow Tie Anatomy (americanarmadillo.wordpress.com)
- How to tie a bow tie, a gentleman guide (gentlemanr.wordpress.com)
- Jackie Villevoye discusses why a bow tie makes an outfit and the importance of artisanal craftsmanship. Interview by Carla Seipp (dianepernet.typepad.com)
- How To Make a Bow Tie (abeautifulmess.typepad.com)
- 6.4.13 … I do love a Davidson Gentlemen in a good bow tie … (teaguenc.wordpress.com)
- The Differences Between Small Penis Humiliation and Small Penis Teasing (lovesmallpenis.wordpress.com)
- Laughing at Losers With My Friends (theprincessnyx.wordpress.com)