English: Whisky Bar

Excuse me, come back here right this minute. I think you’ll find I go up on that shelf on my own, not down here with the riff-raff.

Look at my label, read what it says: 18 years. Oak-matured. Can’t you see who I am, from where I came? I belong to a great family, a great tradition. Generations have come and gone, fads have come and gone, but I’m still here. And always will be.

Treat me with some respect. You might as well have me upside down while you’re at it, put me up there with the Bell’s and the Grant’s and the Black Labels of this world. Upstarts the lot of them. I mean, really, do you know how much I go for, what lips I’m meant to cross? I don’t need an award to be good. I don’t need an advertising campaign.

I am good.

Look at them, attempting to show their prowess, all pride and gold stars. Well, they can do what they like. They’ll never be of my quality, no matter how long they stay in a barrel. No.

How dare you leave me here. I know you’re new, but did no one tell you who I am?

Don’t walk away from me while I’m talking to you. Don’t try and act as if nothing’s happened. Yes, there are a lot of people in, but there are standards to be maintained. I’ll never live this down. I can see the Glenmorangie and Laphroaig laughing. I can see the Chivas Regal brimming with schadenfreude. It’s the end of the world as we know it, me being here. You might as well mix me with coke or sprite or water.

And, look, you have.


31 thoughts on “Single Malt

  1. I don’t blame him. What an insult!
    What is it with bar tenders?
    I found one the other day who DIDN’t ask me if I wanted ice after I said ‘straight up’. This is a very rare occurrence.
    “Glenmorangie and Laphroaig “……… both ends of the spectrum.

  2. That was great! What´s awesome is that the Whiskey is talking and is all snooty, but most whiskey snobs come off this way!!!! I am a proud CHEAP whiskey drinker. I live in Brazil where a bottle of Black label is $110 so Grants and Teachers are my go to. (Still $50 bottle here so not so cheap!!!) Loved this piece.

  3. Ha ha, I totally visualized the whiskey having a face, arms, legs…great piece…great angle.
    I think this would be a great idea for an ad. I don’t think the main character in your piece would happily agree though 😉

  4. A single-minded single malt. That last ‘Perfect’ is just perfect. Without any description, you project the derision of the voice wonderfully.

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