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NO FLUSH Urinals!

So I’m standing, dick in hand, about to take a leak, when this guy stumbles in, and takes the urinal right next to me. There were seven or eight of them, so I’m like, what the fuck, where’s your urinal etiquette, but before I can say anything I’ve seized up, and he’s in full flow, looking at me, and saying:

I hate it when that happens.

So I look at him looking at me and say, excuse me?

And he says, when you can’t piss. There’s a word for it, isn’t there? Paru- pary- patty- osis or something. I get it every time I come out of a movie, you know, when the toilets are rammed because everyone’s been holding it in. I give up usually, go when I get home, and by then I’m absolutely bursting.

I’m about to ask him to mind his own business, and anyway, what’s he doing looking at my dick? But before I can muster the courage to get it out, someone else stumbles in, and this guy beside me looks around and says, hey, Dave, what do you call it when you can’t piss?

And Dave says, paruresis. Why? And he takes the urinal the other side of me before saying: this guy having problems?

The first guy says, yeah, shakes, zips himself up and heads over to the sink.

Dave says, bummer. You know what I do?

I don’t reply, so he carries on: I usually think about my girlfriend. Don’t know why, but if I picture her, I relax, and out it comes. There you go. Either that, or I distract myself by thinking about something I’ve got to do. I run through a list, you know, like in the morning I’ll go round Mike’s to get the money he owes me. Then I’ll go to the bookies. And before you know it, I’m pissing away.

By this point, the first guy’s standing by the dryer and Dave is just about done. He shakes and zips and turns around and heads over to the sink, saying: course, it helps when there’s no one standing next to you too, eh, Phil?

And Phil says: yeah. Forgot about that. If the urinals are full I always head to the cubicle.

I look down at my dick and see nothing coming out, so I zip up and turn around to see both of them looking at me, Phil blocking the exit, Dave rubbing his hands together next to the dryer.

I say, so why’d you stand right next to me then? trying not to sound too peeved.

Phil crosses his arms, smiles and says, shits and giggles, before Dave chimes in: yeah, and the guys that seize up are less likely to cause a fuss when we ask them for their wallets.

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33 thoughts on “Seizure

  1. I didn’t see that coming! I was so enjoying the peeing story that I got had by the thieves. A great story.

  2. Man, talk about awkward — and then terrible with the robbery. I was cringing during the talk and imagining this violation of urinal etiquette (completely fitting phrase, by the way). A story to get under the skin — very well done.

  3. So wouldn’t your main character just have walked out when two people chose to stand directly next to him? Just curious. The most uncomfortable situation in the ladies room is when people talk over the stalls.

  4. “Enough clues that they were dodgy then?” Yeah, without being too obvious.

    I thought they were going to mug him- especially how both of them seem to intentionally ignore the standard unspoken rules of the public urinals.

    There’s a pub in my city that has a trough urinal that gets so cold in winter that when you piss in it billowing steam comes up and everyone tries not to breathe it in. Totally rank.

  5. This is funny as hell. I love the unexpected ending. Makes me happy I am enclosed in a locked stall in the ladies room. When I can’t pee, I turn the water on!!!! The sound of the flow makes me go. I had to add my humor. Excellent story.

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