I went to the pub with Simon and Lee, and after a few drinks we started to talk about sex.
Simon said he’d lost his virginity to a long-term girlfriend when he was at school. They went to some party at a friend’s house and did it in a bedroom upstairs. After that, they told their parents, and everyone was fine with it – they saw it wasn’t just sex, they were over sixteen – and one night a week, usually at the weekend, he stayed over at hers, or she at his, and they lost their virginity again and again.
He said he went down on her and got a pube stuck between his teeth, and she went down on him and got pre-cum in her eye. He saw her slide a tampon in, and she watched him squeeze excess sperm out of his cock and into a tissue.
I asked whether they were still together, and he said, no, they broke up before going to university – she was in Bristol now – but they were still friends, they’d had what they’d had, and that was enough.
Lee went next. He said he’d really only ever kissed a girl once with tongues and it had been awkward as shit. He was drunk, she was drunk, and they’d ended up in one of those store cupboards under the stairs kissing and fumbling. She’d slapped his hand away when he went for her pants, and only let him touch her boobs as long as he kept his hands on top of her sweater.
He said he was still a virgin, who gives a fuck, he’d get with someone soon enough, and in the meantime he had his right hand.
When it came to me, I lied. I thought they were lying too – Simon’s parents sounded too accepting, Lee sounded too self-mocking – so I said I’d had a girlfriend that I’d fingered in the cinema while watching Hook, and that my parents had found out and grounded me for a month.
I said I’d been with this other girl at a party thinking ‘been’ was vague enough and good enough to make it sound like we’d had sex when we hadn’t. I mentioned sniffing my fingers on the way back home – that was a line from a song I liked – and that was it. No awkward fumbling. No parents pleased with how mature I was.
When I finished, Simon said, you know, I never thought you’d be like that. I pictured you as the long term girlfriend type.
I said, yeah?
And he said, yeah, I really did.
And that was that.