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I used to temp when I lived in London, and there was this guy who worked for the same agency – I really can’t remember his name – who used to go to every company he temped at, and have what he called a danger wank. He even had a little diary, where he’d write down how long it took, whether it was a posh one or not, or whether he’d used lube. Then he’d give the wank a score out of ten, along with comments like the man at the urinal really put me off, or clearly no one ever comes to the archive room. It was how he would judge whether it was worth staying at a place or not for a longer contract. No danger, and he wouldn’t bother. Or no danger and he’d stay until he’d found a place to knock one off that hit at least a five on the danger wank scale.

Once, when I asked him for more details about it, he told me he’d do it anywhere he could possibly get caught – toilets, stationery cupboards, stairwells, and one time he did one in a lift when it broke down. He thought the CCTV was working, and when he finished he gave it a ten: security could’ve been watching, he would definitely be reported, lose his job. But in the end it turned out the video was down, and the only comment he heard was something about smelly tissues on the lift floor.

I suppose he could still be doing it. Or he might have upped the ante, wanked at his desk, been caught and sent for counselling. Or maybe he matured – isn’t that the word people use? – and moved on to wanking in front of people or rape, but I haven’t heard from him, or about him, for years. He’s probably got a family and a career now. He’s probably a lovely bloke, with feelings and hidden depths and that; three-dimensional, a complete person. Or maybe he’s as I’ll always remember him, sitting in a store cupboard knocking one off, praying that that person just outside the door will turn the handle just as he comes.

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4 thoughts on “Ten On The Danger Wank Scale

  1. Very funny! There could be a score-sheet for ..how risky ..how pleasant ..who saw .. who didn’t see but could have ..who saw but just ignored me ..who saw and said I was filthy and disgusting and she would never do that but if she were male she probably would, all the time. … And so on.

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